23rd October 2018
4:14am
(3 minutes go by)
4:17am
(1 minute goes by)
4:18am
I feel so tired. My eyelids are heavy now and my eyes are burning and swollen but my mind is working fast, saturated, irritated and angry.
Very angry. At what?
I’m confused.
Perhaps I’m missing home? The warmth and comfort of familiar voices and routines.
Maybe it’s the cold weather that my body isn’t used to…
(3 minutes go by)
My mind takes me back home to a time when I was younger and everything seemed more innocent.
Seemed.
Seemed….
The image is distorted but I can make out a few things. I am around eight and I’m being put to bed. It’s 8pm; 30 minutes after my bedtime. This feels like a new memory for me. Usually when I think of home I picture my dog or my sister; mum and I eating dinner together on the dining table and discussing my sister’s (childish) middle school drama.
(0.5 minutes go by)
A realisation hits me like a wrecking ball. Like I’ve just walked into a translucent pane of glass. But worse. Suddenly this image of my childhood is shattered. This shattered image was one I was proud to hold close to my chest, dear to my heart, especially when I felt privileged to have a (somewhat) stable childhood. A family. A home. I
I sneeze, my eyes shut tight and pray for the image to leave my head, and exit through my slightly open window into the cold, dark and lonely night.
(5 minutes go by)
.
I am eventually able to see through the distorted picture my brain is trying to show me. It takes me back to a time when I was in a cinema, watching a 3D movie but one of the lenses was missing and I was wondering why it looked fuzzy and weird.
4:26am
I sit up with a start. Lying down is probably causing these images to rush to my head quicker. Maybe, maybe sitting will help?
Not a minute goes by and I start feeling; not only seeing, feeling.
My skin is tingling, almost like it is trying to escape my body.
(take me with you I whisper).
4:29am
I am trying to decode this image as it gets clearer; it’s a series- a series of moving images starring two people. Sitting up helped me feel less sleepy. Clearly another mistake.
“But..but, I must have the wrong ticket”
4:45am
I rush into the shower. The steam engulfs my tiny bathroom. The water is so hot that my body is confused and I get goosebumps all over and soon enough the water feels like melted ice on my back. Another illusion my mind is playing with me, or is it just a coping mechanism?
The image makes its way from my pillow, through the steam, right back to my mind. I can’t fight it anymore. I see it clearer now. It’s me again. It's dark and she is putting me to bed. I look frightened and I don’t say anything to retaliate. I obey. 19 year old me was angry. Angry I didn’t run out and call my mum. Angry I didn’t just flail my arms and legs about and scream. Angry I didn’t tell anyone for 10 or so years. I was most angry this memory has left its hiding spot to come say hello or haunt me right as I’m making a huge change in my life: arriving at university to start the rest of my life.
5:14am
I step out of the shower and dry my hair. I sit down on my bed with just my underwear on and fall back down on my pillow. The birds are singing their morning song. I really want to take these 3D glasses off now. I’ve seen enough. As if physical abuse was not enough, why is my mind allowing me to endure this psychological trauma?
My
own
mind
.
(3 minutes go by)
My mind…
(6 minutes go by)
Me..?
(Not a minute goes by)
…it really is me.
Now it’s more like a 5D movie, and I fucking hate those.
24th October 2018
6:02am
Sleeping pills are within an arm’s reach.
The movie is playing on repeat
My 3D glasses are on
My mind seems to sing along
But my body is numb tonight
I really don’t know how to fight.
Comments